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Monthly Archives: December 2009

Too much information

Angry married colleague: …and then we fought even at 3 am. On something else. So I’m not speaking to him now.

Self: You know, that’s unjustified. 

Angry married colleague, even angrier: WHAT? I’m shocked that you are saying this. I cook, clean and bore his children. Do I HAVE to roll over at 3 am so he can get his jollies? Am I a machine?

Self (very awkwardly): No, I meant that paragraph…isn’t justified. Like left justified. Aligned. Like in the layout. Er.

Colleague: (Silence)

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Posted by on December 29, 2009 in Conversations - weird, funny, etc.

 

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Introducing my friend Road Rager

Road Rager: Our traffic system is stupid! It’s sadistic! Every red light you’re at, you see a green one ahead and by the time your light goes green, the next one is red! Police brutality! This is ridiculous! I travel 15 km a day only to have red lights jeer at me all the way!

Self: Got another ticket huh?

Road Rager: I want to move to the moon. No oxygen, no traffic.

 
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Posted by on December 29, 2009 in Conversations - weird, funny, etc.

 

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Don’t let the ‘rents get you down

A friend of mine doesn’t believe in sharing anything with her parents. She lives in the same house…but I would say that physically and mentally she doesn’t really share any space with them. Till today, I thought “well hey, parents are painful, but you don’t shut ‘em out like that.” 

Till today.
I’ve always been really open with mine. I’ve told them stuff about school, about college, about work, causing one acquaintance to acidly remark that I was still attached to my mother’s tit.

At times, I used to wonder if I was too close, especially in the last couple of years when my mother’s behaviour grew increasingly old fashioned and her opinions increasingly frustrating. Boyfriends were bad, girls were no longer good, yada yada. This from a woman who said she’d grooved to the Beatles and Boney M in college. Whatever happened to Baby Hippie?

Today, we had a huge fight. My father told me off, I cried and my mother watched, pseudo compassionately jumping in from time to time. Maybe next week, I’ll be less teary. But I know one thing for sure – my friend is right. You should never tell your parents anything. They just don’t get it. They never will. They never can.

Every generation has its gaps. Every generation think they invented sex. Every generation, at some point, I guess meets. A pit stop on the eternal parallel roads of parents and child.
For me, the pit stop party is over.

Today, in a heated discussion that became a fight, every single thing I have told my parents over the last two years has been thrown back at me. Increasingly frustrated by an advertising career that seems to have stagnated if not gone south, at least for me, I got into the habit of confiding in them. And in trying to exercise my funny bone, might have presented things and myself in a less than flattering light.

And now, it’s boomeranged on me in a way I hate to remember. I feel like a fool. I trusted them, treated them as cool parents. And I got peed up on.

 My accountant father cannot understand why, me, a feckless writer, cannot do an MBA. And cannot fathom how idiotic being a copywriter must be is that an MBA will be no help in it. 

My mother is the silent partner. For years, she was the vocal one, the one who brought us up, taught us not to pee on people and now suddenly, my father is the one who seems to be speaking for both of them.

Dad, you may be right. Maybe I have no direction, I have no clue, and I seem to have no ambition. But please, remember. I have not taken a penny from you for more than five years now. I put myself through whatever post-graduate diploma I did. And if I’m having problems, then you telling me that you’re really worried about me ‘coz you’re close to retiring isn’t helping.

What this whole episode means to me is that my friend is right. From now on, I keep my mouth shut around the ‘rents, and handle my meltdowns/panic attacks/doubts by myself.
This must be what everyone means by ‘growing up’.

 
 

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iTired of Apple enthusiasts

Ever seen those early morning shows with Christian missionaries/ministers on TV preaching conversion to escape the devil?
It doesn’t work.
Millions of Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims, pagans, Wiccans and many more abound. And multiplying. And some quite happy to associate with the devil. Apparently, he’s Christian. Can’t harm us, then!

There must be consternation in the Vatican. “What!” Assorted priests/pastors/bishops exclaim. “They DON’T want our cool iHeaven app? But it’s free this month!”

Mac Evangelists, Apple enthusiasts, please take note.
If the Vatican can’t do it, neither can you.

Stop badgering PC owners. We already have enough to deal with.
We do NOT care about “this cool new app”.
We don’t care if its “SO much better than a PC”.
Yes, we’re stupid. Yes, we’re also masochists.

But you’re annoying. Which is worse.
After all, we can shut up. You, it seems, are incapable of it.
You’re like the sole PETA rabid vegetarian at an All-you-can-eat Beef Barbecue.
Everyone knows vegetarianism is better. But not everyone wants to be one.
Even with the cool new “iCleanse” app for your colon that vegetarianism gives you, free!

Stop trying to impress me. There is a reason I’m with a PC. I know where all his buttons are, I know how to turn him on, how to turn him off. He’s a simple guy – no matter where I go, I will always be able to deal or find help for him.
Yes, he’s not the healthiest of guys. Yes, he gets a lot of viruses. Yep, he’s the slightly pudgy guy who can’t dance but gamely tries at a party.

But he’s MY pudgy guy. And he listens to me. I can tell him what to do, I make him wear what I want him to wear and I can make him play what I want to play.

I don’t need to install compulsory iFumes music software or watch iSmug ads.
In fact, those ads still made me want to get a PC. The whole “cool” crowd thing only works in high school.

And for all the iDiots out there who insist a certain thumb dial-ly player is the best in the market? Your wife/girlfriend/significant other called. Apparently, even though you’re spending 6 hours a day practising thumb circling on a tiny area, when it absolutely counts, you’re just all thumbs. Ahem.

So bottom line, put an iSock in it. Please.

 
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Posted by on December 19, 2009 in Rants

 

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