He loves me. He loves me not.

He’s just not that into you. 
Why men love bitches.
Act like a lady, think like a man.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
What men won’t tell you, but what women need to know.

So many books that tell you how to do the following with men: understand/deal with/decipher/get/get with/get close to/keep/marry/get to commit/etc. etc.

And yet, when faced with a situation where you actually have to use your brains and figure out what to do, you still fall back on calling up a girlfriend and saying “so he said this, and I said this…”

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How come…

the New Year is EXACTLY like the old one? Down to every last painful detail?

Why can’t we start over every New Year’s? Wash away the old doubts, insecurities and mistakes. And start afresh with just the positive good stuff.

 

Isn’t it sad when…

You lose a friend. Not because she/he died or you had a fight. But because you stopped being colleagues, and then realised that was why you were friends.

Before

You (after 5 attempts to get through): Why is your phone ALWAYS busy? I’ve been trying for so long! I’ve made like a zillion calls to you!
Friend: Hey! God, I was trying to call YOU! And trying to figure who YOU could be gabbing with!
You: Okay fine! Where are we going for lunch tomorrow? Oohhh! I didn’t tell you what I heard about X during the 8 hours we already spent together!
Friend: What? What? Tell me! Oh, and we need to spend 10 hours together tomorrow!

Now. After two weeks.

Friend: Oh hey. What’s up? Sorry I haven’t called for two weeks. Been so busy. And every time I called, I couldn’t get through.
You (awkwardly): So true! I’ve been so busy AND my network is so weird. Lots of people complaining. I called you tons of times too. Weird network. So what’s up?
Friend: Oh nothing. Work. What’s up with you?
You: Same. Work. So what’s new with you?

 

I hate New Year’s.

Or New Year’s Conversations that should have never happened. 

Ms Oversharer aka Office Slut

Self: Hey.
Her: Hiiii! How was New Year’s?
Self: Oh very quiet. Just fine. (carefully avoiding asking about hers)
Her: Mine was awesome! So much booze! Tried so many new drinks – Long Island Iced Tea, a Cosmo, a Sex On The Beach and then….a Screaming Orgasm!
Self (awkwardly): Oh ok. Which club did you find the screaming orgasm in this city? Bartenders always apologise and say please choose another drink.
Her (genuinely surprised): It’s a drink?
Self: (silence)

 Office Pothead

Pothead: Whut?
Self: I didn’t say anything.
Pothead: Whut?
Self: Long night?
Pothead: Whut?
Self: Hah. So I can guess what you did on New Year’s.
Pothead (surfacing): Oh dude, I’m totally going to rock New Year’s eve tomorrow! So cool!
Self: Er. New Year’s was yesterday.
Pothead: Whut?
Self: I said, New Year’s was yesterday.
Pothead: Whut?
Self: Never mind.
Pothead: Whut?

 The So-Drunk
NOT South East Asian. But referred to as such because every story, sometimes every sentence starts with “I was so drunk that…” 

So-drunk: DUDE! Last night I was so drunk that when I woke up there was no water left in my body! It’d evaporated dude! You know, like alcohol! Hahaahahah
Self: Er. Yes. Ha. Ha.
So-drunk: And DUDE! I was so drunk that my girlfriend thought I’d died! Hahahahaahah
Self (agonised): Oh. That must have been…fun..
So-drunk: Yeah but DUDE she was SO DRUNK TOOO! Haahahahahah!
Self (despondently): Ha ha.