The Office – Part 1

Creepy Colleague and me sitting in hearing distance of two women talking idiotically loudly.

Woman 1: …I mean really, if you can’t use your hands then just use your mouth.
Creepy Colleague’s face starts to light up in dirty, beaming smile.

Woman 2: Seriously. It took him so long! I was so tired of waiting! When he finally popped it, I nearly fell to my knees.
Creepy Colleague’s torso has now turned 180 degrees to see these women. BKS Iyengar, learn learn.

Woman 1: God yeah. When will men learn? Jeez. And I was so thirsty too.
Creepy Colleague’s torso whips back – he stares at me in confusion. Is this some new “hep” kink?

Woman 2: SERIOUSLY! I still can’t believe it took him TEN minutes to open that Coke bottle. Pah. Why didn’t he just twist the cap off with his teeth? Idiot.

Two hours later, Creepy Colleague is still sulking.

 

Doubt.

Doubt is that voice in your head that fears.
Doubt is mostly feeling.
Doubt disguises itself as a white-hot lightning strike of anger when you’re going through what Doubt warned you about.
Doubt is feeling hopeless about ever moving on.
Doubt is that vicious satisfaction when you’re right about something bad.
Doubt is despair about whether you can ever just want the good things again.
Doubt is that voice in your head that gives fear a permanent lease.

 

Baba ki jai!

Flash Fiction 9 – Word Prompt – Poster

Hema Mausi walked into the bedroom where Ma and I were lying down. And shut the door.
Bouncing happily, she said, “Look! Look! What I found!”
Inside my head, warning alarms and sirens went off. Hema Mausi only got excited for two things. A potential suitor or a potential astrologer. Which one was it this time?
Ma got up as well. Like her sister, she was excitable over just about anything.
“AJMAL SHAH!” announced Hema Mausi, giddily unfolding a poster, torn at the edges.
A picture of Sai Baba looking embarrassed sat fatly next to a bunch of words in Hindi.
“In 12 hours, I’ll get you 100% satisfaction, guaranteed. Jobs, success in business, freedom from loans, love marriage, marrying the right person, black magic, second wife problem, divorce, bad luck in the house, court matters, success in films, trouble getting children, money troubles – any problem from A to Z – 100% satisfactory solution! Call today!” Hema Mausi read out the list triumphantly.
My mouth twisted. “Oh my God. It’s some self proclaimed God man! Did you get this off the train?? What nonsense!”
Both of them shushed me. “Chup re, what do you know? What if he can help you get married?”
Hema Mausi bubbled over. “Arey, he can help Guddi get married, Rahul with a job and Nilesh with his divorce.”
I made a face. “How can he help with marriage and divorce? How is that even possible?”
Hema Mausi bristled. “Arey. If a doctor can cure all diseases then why can’t this man help? It’s the same thing no?”
I shot back, “Yeah but our doctor doesn’t put posters on trains advertising all the diseases he can heal no?”
“Pah that’s because doctors in India are corrupt and trying to do population control secretly. They are all hand in hand with the government.” said my mother, political expert.
“And anyway, this man wants to reach to the general public. See, he even has a photo of Sai Baba. How could he put it if he was a fraud? God would punish him.” Hema Mausi reasoned.
Yes. Indeed. God is known for quick responses.
“When should we go?” chirped Hema Mausi.
“Tomorrow?” my mother suggested.
I shook my head. I’d have to rat them out to my dad again. It was for their own good.

 

Oral fixation

Friend: …and this weekend I just want some expensive food and cheap sex.
Me: Shouldn’t that be the other way round?
Friend: God no. You gotta be real careful with what you eat these days.