Dear Captain Jack Sparrow

You had me at “Savvy?”
Today I saw your latest movie, On Stranger Tides. Technically, someone else paid for my ticket, so I didn’t pay in money. But I spent 3 hours watching. And time is money right?

Penelope Cruz, the Pirates Soundtrack, the green hills and azure waters of Hawaii, mermaids, almost-scary made-up mermaid mythology, dirty pirates, Geoffrey Rush, the snarling monkey, shots of the Black Pearl – and most importantly, you, the awesome Jack Sparrow (aka Johnny Depp). This movie is like Aishwarya Rai. It’s got EVERYTHING. Looks, talent, costumes, great PR. Technically, the audience should be clapping.

Instead, even before the interval, I caught myself napping like a geriatric 70-year-old. Or my I-really-hate-movies-so-I’m-sleeping-in-revenge father. I’m so sorry Jack. About the napping, not my father. And overall, my reaction to your latest outing was “Meh”.

I’ll admit, this was partly my fault. Eating an excellent, slightly-on-the-heavier-side lunch before a matinée is stupid. And I came with health conscious people who claim popcorn is the food of the devil. I should just have starved. I might have chomped on the chair but at least I’d be awake to see your every twitch and parry.

I would like to ask two separate entities two separate questions. Question one is to you, Jack, Disney and whoever else made this film: Why was this in 3D? Seeing a few swords stand out like cheap cut-outs from the screen is not going to make my jizz in my pants. Really. You can, Jack. But 3D? And the glasses? Nope. All the jizz gets sucked back into some secret place, only to be seen again when the first Pirates movie is re-watched. Which doesn’t look likely tonight, Jack, honey, I now have a headache.

The second question is to cinema theatres and movie-makers jointly. Do you not realise that 3D glasses are tinted? And therefore the entire movie looks like Batman Begins? Even the parts shot in bloody broad bloody daylight? Whose fuck-up is this? The idiot movie makers who’re shooting in 3D (a fuck-up on its own) and forgetting to adjust brightness (whatever the terms are) for tinted 3D glasses? Or cinema theatres, who’re giving us tinted glasses without THINKING? Someone has blundered.

And the glasses give almost everyone I know a headache. And me too. So we’re sleepy, missing the plot and getting headaches. It’s like being drunk without the fun of drinking.

Jack, me hearty, I love you. I shall re-watch your three earlier oeuvres with glee, love, a little bit of lust and jizz. But I can’t watch any more new Pirates movies, that too in 3D. Savvy?