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Monthly Archives: June 2013

Mummy in da house

Mum and I are surfing the www. Me on laptop, mum on desktop.
I’m trying to proof a particularly boring piece of writing – and I put on some EDM.

Mum (rocking to the beat): That’s catchy. What is it?
Me: Um. It’s called house. House music.
Mum: Oh.
Rocks. Rocks. Then smiles and says “Hey, look at me.”

She makes swishing moves with her hands.
Me (befuddled): “Are you pretending to sweep the floor??”
Mum: “Haha. No. I’m COOKING!”
Me (brow wrinkled): “WHY?”
Mum: “Coz it’s “house” music no? Mwahahahaha.”
Me: Facepalm.

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Why

Why didn’t they tell me I was pretty?
Why did they always make me feel ugly?
Why did they always tell me I couldn’t get more, while making me feel like less?

The cruelest punishment of all – is to see yourself as others saw you before – and realise that you allowed yourself, your time and your life to be wasted. To be changed and transmuted as others wanted – because you didn’t believe or know more of yourself.

To look back – and see the images of yourself, hear the witnessing of your own possibility – and realising that you allowed others’ voices to drown out yours, to squelch your own and to convince you that your own was not worth hearing – this is a heavy cross.

And to look back – and realise you’ll never get those years back.
You’ll never be able to reclaim that lost potential.
You’ve squandered the glow you once had – given it up for the delusional embrace of cynicism and pessimism.

Sartre said that “Hell is other people.”
Purgatory must be when you’ve allowed other people to passively live your life for you.

 
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Posted by on June 13, 2013 in Ponderings, Rants