Tap tap tap tap tap.
You know that moment just before you pee? The urge to urinate, to just let go, gets strongest then right? Like your muscles are telling you, ‘Let go. You are not in control any more.’ The problem is the after. After you’ve let go, the shame follows.
I’d give anything to just be ashamed of peeing myself. I wish it were that simple. I wish my eyes didn’t go to that direction every 5 minutes. I’ve been trying to control myself, I really have. But. I. Just. Can’t. Seem. To. Stop. Thinking. About. It.
How good it would feel. How my spirits will lift, I’ll feel happy again. How I will lick that spoon dry.
I can be happy for some time. I can be not myself for some time. And everyone will like me, everyone will think I’m cool and everyone will want to be my friend.
Sometimes I wonder what it is I really crave. This or human contact. The knowing that there’s someone out there who thinks you’re great. Who will like you and know you for the person you are. Who doesn’t judge you by their own standards and lets you be.
My eyes are doing the sideways dance again. My fingers itch.
It’s going to be a long night.